The hardest phases of solo mum life (so far)

Speaker A: 00:00:02

Hello, welcome to the show. Today I've got a question from Penny, who has asked what has been the hardest phase of parenting so far.

I've got a full episode dedicated to the first six weeks that I encourage you to check out because I still say that that was by far the hardest period for me and I really lost myself. So check that out and then come out of the depths of this despair to the later episodes.

I would say for me generally, I found the first few months really, really difficult because I found that I had sort of lost myself in a way.

I also am not a person that feels loneliness ever, even when I'm by myself — really like it.

But I remember just feeling very lonely at that time because I just couldn't really... I wanted people to come in and look after me, like, every day.

You know, I was just in this environment with this person where you're not really spending time with someone, right?

It's not like they're actually a person yet. They're this sort of being that you can't work out.

You're sleep-deprived, you're trying to get your head around what you need to do, and you're also alone.

I really found that I wanted people around all the time, but it's just not realistic to expect people to be around all the time.

And I couldn't afford to have people around all the time.

So I really did find that period difficult until I started to get a handle on things.

I think that was probably around about the three-month mark that I was like, okay, I am the one in control here.

Previously I hadn't felt that way, and I think because I am somebody who has always taken control of my life, that is quite a difficult thing to come to grips with.

You know, because you're just like, I've always been in control in my life.

I'm totally out of control right now, and it's really hard to sort of get a grip on that.

So I would say for me so far, those are the two hardest periods.

There was a glorious period between around eight months to just shy of two years, I think, where I just found — especially the year-and-a-half mark — oh man, like this kid, she was just fun and coming alive and really becoming herself and speaking a lot, and really spending time together became super, super enjoyable.

And then the twos hit, and I'd say we're back in a period of not vibing it.

I really find this bit the hardest so far.

This is the period when they're sort of realizing, oh my gosh, hang on a minute — I'm actually a person.

I'm not just this thing that's kind of being tagged along and being told what to do.

I have autonomy, I have independence, I have authority.

I can do what I need to do.

I am an individual.

I mean, what a glorious time, right?

So amazing to see this little human being start to flourish, start to see what they're capable of, start to really assert themselves, start to be defiant in some ways, start to exhibit some of those qualities that you think, oh, these will really serve you well in the future.

Yeah, okay. Magic over.

In practice, it's just effing annoying.

I've never in my life been as frustrated as I have been since she sort of tipped into this toddler independence phase.

The concept of toddler time — that everything needs to happen in their time — is what I find the most difficult to handle.

You have to negotiate for every single millimetre that you move.

If you're lucky, your kid might go, "Yeah, okay, I'll just come straight to the car."

But in reality, at least in my experience with my child — and I feel like I'm pretty lucky because I see her around some other kids and I'm like, oh shoot, you're actually pretty malleable in comparison to this — digs her heels in for sure.

But I've seen some kids dig their heels in harder, so I am grateful for that.

But at the same time, I'm like, oh my gosh, my hat goes off to the parents that really have a kid that digs their heels in hard-hard.

Because she's smart and she digs them in, and I am just doing everything I possibly can in my whole body to not get down to her level and say to her face, "You are an asshole."

It is so hard not to boil over.

The number of times that we have gone through a simple process — like walking down a set of stairs — and externally, I'm trying to say to her, "Yep, you do it in your own time, whatever," but in my head, I'm like, we were supposed to be in bed for a nap 20 minutes ago — get up the stairs!

I don't want to be that mum that grabs their kid and runs them up the stairs.

Now, sometimes you have to do that, right?

I'm not saying...

I got a message from somebody the other day that was just like, "Oh, well, your kid's going to be such a snowflake because you're letting them get away with it."

No.

We have firm boundaries in this house.

But we achieve nothing by me trying to get her to do something once, her saying no, and then me just dragging a screaming toddler to the car to do it.

My tactic for negotiating with her is basically to say, "Okay, either I pick you up, or you do it yourself. That is your choice."

If you want to walk up these stairs by yourself, you have to walk up the stairs by yourself.

Otherwise, I'm going to pick you up and do it myself.

If she is taking ages and she faffs about and she doesn't do it, then I'll just reach down and go, "Okay."

And then she's like, "No, no, no, no, no!"

And then she'll walk one more step.

And then we'll go through the process again — faff about, see that I'm irritated, and then I'll try to negotiate with her.

Then I'll reach down and go, "Okay, fine, I'll lift you up," and she goes, "No, no, no," and then we walk one more step, and we repeat the whole process again.

So my main point and my main advice for this stage of parenting is to just have no plans ever.

Highly unrealistic, you know, but if you try to get anywhere with a toddler in under an hour, you are just destined for a meltdown on both sides.

I always allow myself so much more time than I think it's going to take me.

Every time, we get to where I need to go either just on time or a little bit after because she's eaten up that entire period.

The difference between a journey somewhere — say, for example, to the car to go somewhere — with 45 minutes versus rushing is just massive.

We're not going 45 minutes away — it's literally 30 seconds.

I could walk that in 30 seconds.

But allowing that dimension of time — the calm at which we can go through that process — is just so much better than the times when we've had to rush somewhere and it's just a shit show from start to finish.

And sometimes you have to go over into that sort of other area and be the woman running through Taronga Zoo — speaking from experience — with a screaming toddler.

Because if I do not at least take you from the bottom of the stairs leading towards the exit to the exit gate, we are going to be another hour.

I started the process of us leaving this place an hour and 15 minutes ago.

You're due in bed in 15 minutes and we're not even at the car yet.

And I live 30 minutes from where we are.

Sometimes it is absolutely impossible not to tick over into grabbing that person and just running for the exit.

But the shame that you feel as the mum running through a public area with a screaming toddler...

You can see the eyes.

You can see the people looking at you like, "Oh gosh, wow, what a bad mum."

And in your mind, you're like, you have not seen the hour and 15 minutes that I have been treating this two-year-old like an adult — trying to negotiate with her, letting her come to things in her own time, being fine with everything.

There is no more frustrating place to be than — I don't even know distances — but a decent whack from the exit of a joint.

Knowing that you were supposed to be home 30 minutes ago and your toddler has clocked that you need her to move quickly.

And these little bastards are smart.

I can definitely sense a difference in her approach when there is a difference in my tone.

As soon as she sees that I am frustrated, her pace slows to glacial.

Because she's got it up on me then.

And this is the power play that we're in.

You just try and keep your cool in that situation.

They're not fully developed enough to be manipulating you, but they're displaying all the traits of manipulation.

Even though they wouldn't actively understand that's probably what they're doing, it really feels in the moment like manipulation.

So you've got all those cues running through your body.

Plus you're flipping late.

Plus your kid was supposed to be in bed 30 minutes ago.

You're in a heightened state of panic internally, trying so hard not to let it out.

So yeah, I am finding this bit real hard.

It's so emotionally draining.

Trying to be a good parent.

In our parents' generation — people smacking, hitting, chucking their kid outside to wail — you just did whatever you wanted.

At certain points, when I have yelled, I always stop after, calm down, apologise to her, explain myself to her.

I tell her, "I'm trying really hard to do my best. I can see you're pushing against me. You're frustrating Mummy. Mummy's trying not to be frustrated because I know you're not doing it on purpose, but I'm finding it difficult to hold myself together sometimes."

We never got this, did we?

We just got a wooden spoon and then you didn't get talked to for ages.

And I feel like I turned out okay, you know?

Anyway, I don't want to do that to my child.

I've got no interest in parenting like the days of yesteryear.

I want to be a conscious, present, caring, kind person.

But man, it takes every fibre of your being.

Then, when you actually get through the day and you've done it — even if you've just yelled once — often I will just walk into another room, scream, and walk back.

She sort of looks at me like, "Hmm?"

I'm like, "What?"

And I come back in and I'm like, "Okay, bedtime."

You must think I'm insane.

Because you know I walked outside, you heard the sound of my voice, you know that was me screaming in the other room.

And then I've come back in and I'm happy as Larry.

But really inside, just wanting you to go to bed so I can shut the door and not see you for ideally two hours.

If you could just do me a solid and go to sleep and leave me alone for a bit, you know?

So yeah, I'm in the thick of the next shitty period.

And I'm really looking forward to progressing through this bit.

Everybody's like, "Don't wish it away. Don't wish it away."

I'm not wishing it away, but this is a shit bit.

And I do know how I navigate this with her will really form how our relationship continues.

I have to try my absolute best to give her a sense of safety, security, to let her push these boundaries without feeling like she's going to infuriate me all the time.

So I know I have to internalize all that rage and give her the confidence she needs to move on.

But sometimes you just want to scream in these bastards' faces and tell them they're the worst people you've ever come across.

But you don't.

Because you're trying to be a good mum.

Anyway, thank you so much Penny for that question.

I appreciate it.

I feel like it helped me get a lot out.

If you have a question for me, just head to the description of the episode and send it my way.

I'll probably have some kind of mental breakdown into a microphone back to you and you'll wish you never asked.

If you are enjoying the show, please share it with somebody who you think might enjoy it too.

If you want to leave a little rating or review, I would love that as well.

I really do appreciate you turning up each week and listening to this show.

It's been a true privilege to hear from you and to hear how the show is resonating with you.

Especially for those of you who are on your own and feel like they haven't heard many stories that relate to them — I get it.

It's been really interesting for me through this process to have so many of you reach out and to realize this community is so big.

I really didn't know anybody who had done this by themselves before.

So it's an amazing thing to hear from you, and I really do appreciate every question, every piece of contact, every review, and every rating.

Thank you so much, and I'll see you next week.