I tried dating again (and I lasted five minutes)

Rachel Corbett: 00:00:02

Hello there. I am recording this. I must just tell you, I record my episodes in a platform called Riverside.

And I don't know why, but I turn the camera on even though I'm not doing video episodes at the moment. And I have caught a glimpse of myself. I was like, holy crap, lucky I'm not dating, because hooey mama's not looking her best.

Oh, my God, this humidity. As a woman with frizzy hair, I look like a ball of steel wool at all times.

So perhaps this is why I backed off the dating thing real quick, because I just can't be bothered actually putting any effort into my appearance.

But spoiler alert, if you've clicked on this and you've thought, oh, she found love, it's me, my tiny human and someone else, we're going to be changing the name of the show too. I'm afraid that's not what happened. I actually lasted about five minutes in the dating scene.

And gosh, how quickly I was reminded of what a shit show it is. I don't even know why I really thought I would think any differently about it.

At the end of last year, I started to kind of open up to the idea that if somebody came along, I would be open to it. Now, that was actually a shift for me because prior to that, I was like, get away from me, everyone. I'm not interested.

I've got no interest in you at all. And isn't that a vibe when you give that off, really turn people away.

But I started to sort of think, you know what, maybe I noticed that, you know, Olivia really enjoys, like, being around men. And I thought, you know, if a good man came into my life, I'd be sort of open to it.

Now I spend a lot of time at home in my own surrounds with a toddler. So who's meeting men in here? Not me. So thought, you know what? Everybody goes on the dating app. That's what we do.

That's what I used to do back in the days when I used to care about dating. That's what we all do. That's how we live our lives in the dating scene. Jump back on and just wash an annoying administrative task.

What a way to suck the life out of romance. You know, I managed to message a few people, I matched up with a few people.

But in all honesty, I wasn't on there terribly long before I started to get guilty because I hadn't gotten back to some people and, you know, life gets busy get doing things. It wasn't because I was like dating five people at once and trying to keep them all up in the air just in case, which has been done to all of us.

It was really that I was just like, I would match and then somebody would say something, and then you'd get caught up in other stuff. So I just felt like I was constantly coming back into these.

These apps and apologizing for kind of being that asshole who doesn't write back to somebody until eventually there were a couple of people I was talking to and I just went in, I said, I'm really sorry, but I can't deal with the admin of this app. Like, I'm having to bail. Like, I. You seem like a lovely person. I wish you all the very best, but I am exhausted before I've even met you.

Oh, what an utter punish. It was interesting because it was kind of a good experiment to do to see, do you really want to date someone?

And what I actually felt when people reached out to me was like, please don't inconvenience my life. I don't want to shift things around for you. Like, this feels like homework. This feels like something I've got to add to the list of things to do.

It didn't feel easy.

And I just think, gosh, the idea of having to put in a lot of time to learn someone, get to know somebody, when I've got my daughter there and it's not even like I'm missing something. Like, I really never feel like I wish there was a man here in my life. I never feel. I wish I'd done this with somebody. I never feel, God, I'm lonely.

I never feel, where is he? I never feel any of those things. And I feel so incredibly fulfilled by the love of my daughter and the relationship of my daughter.

But I'm also like, damn time fulfilled by her too, you know? And it's a. It's absolutely all I can manage to look after her.

And so when I realized what opening myself up to dating men's, I was like, no, I don't have time for this. And I'm also really conscious, I think, of taking time away from her. There's two things I've been thinking about.

The first is if I want to build a relationship with somebody that needs time, no good relationships are born of. I'm just gonna put no effort into this.

You know, you have to put effort in, and especially when you're learning somebody at the start, that is really important to put effort in to be engaged, to be involved, to be interested. And when you've got no ties. Well, of course you can go, hey, let's go away for the weekend. Let's go and have dinner. Let's do this.

To actually get to know somebody and spend the time doing that, I would either have to pay somebody to come here so I could go out. I'm too goddamn exhausted to even think about that.

I also don't want to do it in time that I would have with my daughter, because time with my daughter is way more important and way more fulfilling to me than sitting down with somebody I don't know, because I'm trying to find a relationship, you know, that just does not seem like time well spent to me. The only other option I have is to have that person around my daughter. And I'm not actually, you know, that concerned about that as an idea.

Like, I can imagine, you know, going and meeting somebody with their kids and, you know, or somebody meeting my kid. My kids a good time, you know, like, she enjoys meeting new people. Like, that doesn't really worry me that much.

But I do think about the idea of if somebody's around a lot and Olivia gets attached and it kind of doesn't work out, and then she's attached. And there's also that, you know, I think it just sort of really, the more I thought about it, the more I was like, this is just too complicated.

And not even in a way of, oh, I'm going to give that up, because I want to focus on this.

It just really put into perspective that this is really enough for me right now, which is so bizarre, because there was a time in my life where I did want to date and I did want to meet somebody.

And I've been thinking a lot about what that switch was in me that flicked because I was talking to a friend recently who's very much on the dating scene, very keen to meet someone. So he's really going at it like an Olympic sport and is not having the best time.

And listening to her talk about just the different people she's meeting and the excitement, but then the letdown and the. The I don't know what's going on. And then, oh, my gosh, this is going to be something. And then, no, it's not going to be something.

I just watched that play out, thinking to myself, thank God I am not in that situation. And, oh, my God, I remember being in that situation. I remember trying to meet somebody and being on that roller coaster of, is it? Isn't it?

What is this? Do I feel this? Do they feel this?

You know, it takes up so much brain space and sitting down, listening to these kind of stories and thinking to myself, honestly, having no interest in pursuing this part of my life is sort of the biggest blessing ever. Is that weird? Does that make me a strange person? Like, I love love. I love people being in love. I love seeing people in love.

I love people being in good relationships. I love watching friends of mine who are in great relationships.

But never once do I look at those great relationships and think, God, I wish that was me. Is that weird? God, is there something wrong with me?

But while I do think, is that weird because we're all supposed to just want to be chasing after finding love, right? I also cannot deny the fact that not wanting it is incredibly freeing because it doesn't take up any of my brain space.

I'm not lost in anything with it. It just. I'm not even thinking about it.

And when you see people caught in the torment of that which I have been in the past as well, you're like, God, this is a lot easier out here. So anyway, I didn't last long. What I did note as I was going through the apps is, oh, my goodness, what a lot of douchebags there are out there.

I'm sure it's not a gender thing. I'm sure there are a lot of lady douchebags out there, too, on the other side. But just reading through the profiles and you're just like, really?

Are you serious? I just would scroll through this app thinking, how is this enticing sometimes?

And I just would occasionally take note of a few of my personal favorites just to really hit home.

Not only the fact that I just couldn't be bothered from an admin point of view, but four to six of these kind of profile responses and you're really thinking, it's time to delete this app. For example, you know how they have all the prompts in the apps? My most irrational fear is one of them.

This guy wrote, my most rational fear is losing the keys to the handcuffs. You want me to introduce you to my daughter, you moron? That is on the front page of your profile.

Like, if you're kinky, you're into this stuff, like, whatever, right? Everybody, you do you. But when you're thinking I'm putting the resume together, that's going in the summary at the top. Yeah, that's an immediate no.

Green flags is another prompt. This guy said green flags. I look for hair twirling, blushing, and laughing. God, am I nine? Like, go away, go away, you.

Uttermore on, There are so many nice men out there.

I know, but there are so many of these kind of idiots that are just like, could you just look at me coquettishly, smile and laugh and tell me that I'm amazing? Like, no.

How about we sit down and have an intellectual conversation and you treat me as an equal, you piece of garbage, instead of looking at like some 9 year old girl that's supposed to sit here and pander to your every whim. I'm sorry, I'm not interested. Anyway, see, this is. I get real fired up. This is why I'm not good on the dating scene.

This one kills me and I see it all the time. I don't want a pen pal.

Well, excuse me if I wouldn't mind a bit of back and forth on the text to get to know you before I hire a babysitter, go into the city, get myself dressed up, spend time with somebody who might turn out to be an uttermoron. Like, am I allowed to have a little bit of text back and forth? These people who are like, just, I just want to meet straight away.

No, you could be a serial killer. I'm not meeting you straight away.

And if we have a week and a half or two weeks of texting back and forth, if you can't handle that, how are we going to have a lifetime of conversation? Because you can't. This, that gets me too, you know, and I struggle with this in relationships with people who are like, I don't text, okay?

I don't like to text.

What is the difference between texting words and saying like, you can even voice note now, you know, you can dictate your note and then it can actually send it for you. To me that's just like, I don't like to communicate and for me I say I don't like you.

I also love it when guys try to get really clever on their profile. This guy wrote, what's more attractive, unreliability or predictability? Is that a trick question? I really can't work it out.

Like, who is finding unreliability attractive? And just to wrap it all up, this real perler I saved the best to last. The prompt is pick the most underrated. He has come up with three selections.

Number one, Coca Cola with ice. Number two, pineapple. Number three, reverse cowgirl. Talk about escalating quickly again on the front page of the bio.

Dudes, honest to God, you're just so basic sometimes. And maybe there's a lovely lady who's just been desperate for somebody to reach out and say, Hi.

I like reverse camp, girl, but I'm gonna give you the hot tip. And if you've listened to even 30 seconds of this podcast, I'm sure you're gonna know this already. That girl ain't me.

Anyway, so that's on the sort of back burner for now. I'm not interested. I will say the other thing that sometimes happens be to.

To me is that people will find me on a dating app and then instead of just letting the left right, swipe, take its course and just leave the ball in each other's courts. And if we both swipe right, great, they swipe right.

And I know they swipe right despite me potentially swiping left because they also contact me via my website and my Instagram profile and my Facebook page. I'm just like, okay, this is just confirming that I swiped in the correct direction.

But also, don't now make me be the asshole because I've gone through the protocol and I've swiped and I've gone, you know, we haven't matched up. Don't now make me have to let you down in one of these direct message channels. Because I tell you what, you will be left on red anyway.

With an attitude like that, what man's ever gonna do me? I know I did give off a whiff of can't be bothered. I'm aware of that. I get that. It's mostly because I can't. At least right now. At least right now.

And what a glorious, freeing, wonderful place to be. If you are currently a solo mum and you've dipped back in the dating scene, please send me an email. I would love to hear about it.

I'd love to know what your experiences have been. I'd love to know if you are like, I don't know how you are on your own as savvy, or maybe you feel like me. I just.

Yeah, there's just something really content about not having to worry about that aspect of my life. I'm sure space will open up for that in my world when things aren't so intense.

Because right now, with a toddler, full on job, all the stuff, it's kind of. There is no room to move or breathe. And I think sometimes people would say, well, you have to do something for you. Like, are you denying yourself?

But the interesting thing is I don't feel I'm denying myself at all. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything at all.

And I think if somebody walked into my life in a natural way, that's when I'd kind of shift because for me it's really more about the person and wanting to spend more time with the person than it is about a relationship. And I think that's where dating becomes hard.

Dating is not something that interests me because what dating is is the work that you feel is required to get to the end result of a relationship. For me, I don't work want the end result of a relationship, or I'm not pining for the end result of a relationship.

So doing that actual work seems not justifiable right now.

Whereas if somebody walked into my life and I met them and I was like, oh, wow, you're really interesting and I'd like to spend more time with you, I would definitely open my world up in that way. But I think that sort of sitting down from somebody and saying, I'm ready for a relationship, are you? Let's go through credentials.

Are you the person? It's just too much like hard work.

And I said at the beginning, looking at myself in this bloody camera, I tell you what, who could be bothered getting this up to scratch enough to go out for a cocktail? Not I. Not I right now. Thanks so much for listening.

If you enjoy this little show, I would love you to share it with somebody, you know, who you think would enjoy it too. And I will see you next week.